Tomorrow I leave to go to India to do my 200hr yoga teacher training and with tomorrow getting closer and closer I am definitely feeling the fear.
I started crying yesterday when I parted from Mark.
He left for work and that was the last time I’d see him until the beginning of September and I didn’t cope with that too well. I just kept bursting into tears at the thought of missing him and the time without him. There’s something in leaving people you care about for a longer amount of time, you start to really appreciate them and the time you have with them and you reflect on any small or big arguments you have and think ‘that really wasn’t worth it’. Because I think the longer you’re apart the easier it is to see how precious they are.
I drove back to my Mums yesterday and I called her to let her know I had left and guess what? I cried again. It was a questioning of whether I was doing the right thing but a knowing that I was, that mind and soul separation.
The funny thing is, I’m not sure how I got to ‘the night before I go to India’.
I realised I wanted to do this in March but I didn’t have the funds and I had no idea which yoga school to pick because there are SO many to choose from. I listened to a podcast from Yoga Girl or Rachel Brathen and she spoke about manifesting your dreams. She said that when we want something we mustn’t put up any barriers, whether that be we don’t have the time or we don’t have money we have to get ourselves over those barriers, or knock them down because as soon as you start putting up barriers more and more will come at you.
My barrier was money
I didn’t have the money I needed to do the training, so, when I listened to this podcast I knocked that barrier down! I’d been researching for so long and hadn’t had a yoga school jump out at me, until I decided I was going and nothing would stop me. I started a new search and there it was, the best one I had come across, at the right price and at the the right time, Siddhi yoga. The reviews were good, the schedule looked good and the location was amazing. Not only all of that but I only had to pay a small deposit to secure my place and then pay the rest a month before, this was March so I needed the money by July, I knew that was doable.
As the months went on I committed myself to my daily yoga practice as well as believing, without a doubt that the money I needed would arrive. And now, I’m sitting with my Mum after packing for my trip, everything paid for and more money for spending and it hasn’t broken the bank AT ALL, no borrowing and no bills unpaid. Amazing, right?
Well, yes, but a lot of things I have done in the past few years I have done without really thinking which I do think is a good way to go about following your dreams, however, the thinking mind does eventually catch up with you and the fears start to creep in. Will I be ok? (Yes), what if I don’t have the right visa? (I do), what if I can’t get a working phone? (I can), what if I can’t get a plug adaptor? (I can), what if I just can’t manage 12 hours a day of yoga training? (I bloody well can!). These questions just go round and round and anxiety sets in and guess what? I cry again. I walk in the door after going out to get last minute bits and burst into tears and then after the tears have passed I fell better.
The thing is, nothing worth doing will ever be easy
It will always push you out of your comfort zone and make you feel like you’re mad for doing it but everything I have ever done that has made me feel this way has always been worth it and even been life changing in one way or another. I know in my heart and soul I am doing what I’m meant to be doing, I know that the ideas I have for what I want to create will give something to others and I know I am meant to share that with the world.
Paulo Coelho says in The Alchemist ‘when you want something, the universe conspires in helping you achieve it’ and that is something I have found to always be true. The universe has conspired to make this happen for me and I will be strong and brave and embrace the adventure I’m about to embark on. I’m feeling the fear and doing it anyway and I hope you can do the same too!