I have to say that even though I have done so much work on my self, the feelings of anxiety when my skin is bad (to me) and I am in a situation I’m not fully comfortable in is overwhelming. I have coping mechanisms that mostly get me through life and thank god I have some amazing people in my life who understand my need to close the blinds just so I can look at myself in the mirror.
The best way I can describe this anxiety is a black hole that just sucks me in…
…and I can’t figure out how to get out. No matter how hard I try, my fingers just keep slipping off the edge and even though I don’t want to be in it anymore, I don’t allow myself to get out. I lose all confidence in my abilities, I’m not able to be me and do the things I love, I totally lose my zest for life. I often wonder if it’s something I cling to, like an identity I have attached myself to and without it; a big piece of me is missing.
I ask myself now, sitting with a more rational head on, why do I allow this to cause me so much pain? Everyone gets spots sometimes but they don’t feel how I do, they don’t want to just sit in a dark room and cry and not see anyone, do they?
I kind of feel stuck in this, I have managed to work through so much and give my self so much love but I can’t with this.
When I sit in front of a mirror and pick my skin, I feel so ashamed afterwards and I am angry with myself for doing it and I come away saying, why did you do that? Why don’t you love yourself enough to just let things be? To just breathe and let the feelings move with the breath. But the next time my skin is bothering me I do it again.
I know that these ‘things’ we have are there for a reason, to show us our wisdom in some way and help us to grow and I know I have grown a lot in this despite my feelings of being stuck. I used to not go out or miss days of work because my skin was bad and I wouldn’t do that now, I just want to get rid of the anxiety and the feelings of upset when I look in the mirror.
The Power of Now
I have been reading ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle and he explains these feelings as ‘pain bodies’, templates we have created through experiences we’ve had. This then takes us out of the present and into the past and into feelings of depression. It is only when we are fully conscious we realise that these negative emotions are nothing because when we are in the present the past emotions cant bother us.
So, how do I get into the NOW?
Yoga brings me to my breath and allows me to be. When I am on the mat, I’m not thinking about my skin because I see myself as a whole. Focusing on my breath means I’m not focusing on anything else, moving my body shows me that I love me because I am caring for it. I’m not going to lie, sometimes the motivation to get on the mat is tough but I KNOW it’ll be worth it and I know that the more shitty I feel, the more NECESSARY it is for me to be supported by my mat, to give my soul the time it needs to recover a little bit.
Getting creative! I love being creative, mainly painting or drawing but lately it’s been painting. Creativity gets me into a different type of flow, a flow where the World around me ceases to exist, all there is is me, the canvas, the paints and my brushes and I am in a new world. One where worries have flown away and darkness has turned to light. It’s somewhat of a meditative state, a blissful feeling that allows me to become what I’m painting, every brushstroke is a new dimension, a new layer of happiness that I’m weaving into my now and healing the parts of me that are in pain.
I don’t know the answers…
But what I do know is I can try my hardest to BE. HERE. NOW. Right in this moment, writing this, knowing that I am SO much more than the spot that currently resides on my chin. Instead of that being my main focus, focus on the much bigger things that make me who I am and hoping that someone reading this might find even just a sentence that allows them to see they’re not alone.
How do you deal with your anxieties? I would love to hear how you keep yourself in the now!