When I was 12/13, a time in my life when my self-esteem should have been being built up, it was unfortunately being knocked down, I felt worthless, ugly, like I was nothing and I carried that with me for 12 years. I don’t want to go into too much detail because of it being a sensitive family issue but life was pretty tough. At the same time I lost my Nana and not only that my Mum lost her Mum. It affected her badly so I knew I had to be the one to look after her. I of course managed to push it all aside, be the best I could be, ignored those feelings when I was at school, work or with friends, but when I came home and was on my own, I would beat myself up. I wasn’t pretty enough; funny enough, nice enough, smart enough, good enough. I suffered from bad skin at the time and all of a sudden it was the worst thing about me…
Basically, I wasn’t perfect in my eyes and certainly wouldn’t be in anyone else’s.
I started to put a lot of importance on the way I looked, if my skin wasn’t perfect or didn’t look perfect then I was in a bad mood. This carried on and has done still to this day. I cannot tell you the amount of times I have moaned and been upset about my skin, my poor Mum has had to listen to that for 12 years! It is something I really do struggle with and always think others will judge me on it, I’m convinced it is all people see when they look at me and don’t even think of asking me to look at myself in bright light!
A question that I have only recently been asking myself is, why? Why do I feel like this? How can I let one or two red dots on my face ruin my day? Society tells us over and over how we should look, what’s beautiful and not beautiful, what’s perfect and imperfect so is that why I feel so unaccepted when my skin is bad?
Perfection is the personal opinion of each and every person, a flower that I may see as perfect, the next person may not and that is true for everything else, including how people look. That’s not just it though, to me how we look is just our shell, our true self is our soul, what’s inside, that is where so many of us go wrong. We forget to really look into ourselves, realising that we have a purpose and that we are so much more that what’s on the outside, in turn, we forget our worth.
We get so lost in how our hair looks, what clothes we should wear, how skinny we should be, if our skin is perfect enough, how much money we should earn, what car we should have, how big our houses are. Don’t get me wrong, I have definitely fallen into this trap but I know there is more to life than just the physical, material self.
We must break this cycle and start accepting that we will always have flaws and that’s ok. Stop letting the media tell us we’re ugly so we buy product after product in order to live up the standard they tell us we should be. Because, at the end of it all, what really matters is that we’re happy and making each other happy, being kind to those around us and most importantly accepting ourselves for exactly who we are, spots and all!
I am still very much on a journey, trying to overcome this but when I think that now I go out without any make up on and feel confident, I know I am making progress and I know I need to be kind to myself and not beat myself up when I have a bad day. I still can’t look in the mirror in a bright light, but I will get there one day, I know I will.